Monday, April 30, 2012
A day in the life
7am-Wake up. Regardless of what time you went to bed the night before. Scream. 7:15-Eat breakfast. 7:18-Scream because you are out of food. Scream until Mom gives you more. And none of that cheap dry Cheerios crap. Hold out for another bowl of oatmeal. 7:20-Place hands in oatmeal, then through hair. Toss remaining oatmeal into floor. Scream. 7:30-Watch as Mom yells at brother to brush teeth. Watch as she puts shoes on and gets purse ready. As she reaches for keys, shit like your life depends on it. 7:40-Full on civil disobedience. Do not let her get through the diaper change without someone sticking a hand in poo. 8am-5pm - Daycare. This is where you will never cry, always share, walk, sign, speak in full sentences, solve word problems, and otherwise exhibit model behavior. When Mom talks about what a screaming holy terror you are, smile and do something horribly cute. The teachers have no idea what kid she's talking about. 5:00-While walking to car, look adorable. As soon as Mom puts you in your seat and away from witnesses, scream like you are being murdered. 5:10-Sleep. You've earned it. 6:00-Arrive home. Realize Mom hasn't fed you yet. Scream. 6:05-pre dinner snack 6:30-dinner 6:45-Announce you are done with dinner by attempting to shatter Mom's glass with the sheer power of your voice. Mariah Carey ain't got nothing on you. 7:00-Bath time. Do not sit down, unless it is to blow bubbles in the water or reach for ammunition. When all bath objects, including water, are on the outside of tub, bath is over. 7:30-Scream. Do not let Mom get new diaper on you. If she succeeds, fill diaper with poo. That'll show her. 7:45-Wait for bottle while playing with brother. When bottle doesn't come, scream. 8:00-Scream for paci. Suck paci. Take paci out and throw it. Where the hell did my paci go? Repeat. 8:15-Scream. Scream if she rocks you. Scream if she puts you down. Scream if she sings. Scream if she's quiet. Scream if she reads. Scream if she cries. Scream if she does nothing at all. After a suitable amount of time has passed, simply roll over and go to sleep.